


When Ravenclaws Attack

by FugitiveArchivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M, Smarm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-05
Updated: 2016-02-05
Packaged: 2018-05-18 09:35:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5923486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FugitiveArchivist/pseuds/FugitiveArchivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The dangers of an evil Ravenclaw fanfic author.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When Ravenclaws Attack

**Author's Note:**

> Great thanks to Lassenia, the archivist over at [Wolf and Hound](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Wolf_and_Hound), for saving this one and many others by importing the works there to AO3. I had lost many of these files and was very happy when they popped up on my AO3 account.

"Good Afternoon and Welcome to When Ravenclaws Attack on SBC" A short, black haired, blue eyed woman announces to the video camera following her. "I’m your host, CC Ennis. We’re at Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry, just outside the great hall waiting to witness the fascinating site of a Ravenclaw attacking."

The camera pans to the great hall doors. A tall brunette exits and steps into the shadows beside the door. CC smiles oddly, "Observe the Ravenclaw waiting on her prey." After a moment a tall dark haired young man exits the great hall closely followed by a slightly shorter young man with light brown hair. "Is everything all right Sirius?" The shorter boy asks.

"It’s my Mum," The taller boy says as tears spring to his eyes. "They killed her Moony. She was a pureblood Love, what did she ever do for them to kill her?"

The Camera pans back to CC, "The Ravenclaw has just attacked. Did you miss it? Well here, let us slow down the footage and show you." The film plays again, slower and zoomed in on the Ravenclaw. "Note that she is frantically writing. She is creating the situation before us."

The image returns to the scene outside the great hall where Moony is leading a sobbing Sirius away. "Let us examine another incident."

The picture fades into a class room. A tall handsome man stands before a room of identically dressed students talking about vampires. The camera pans to the left and in the back of the room the Ravenclaw is seated at a table by herself.

"We’re in Remus Lupin’s Defense Against the Dark Arts Class. Note the Ravenclaw is here too. Remember these attacks are part of the natural order of things and it would be wrong of me or my film crew to interfere in them."

The Camera returns to viewing the class. Suddenly a messy haired young man in the front row cries out in pain and falls to the floor. Remus rushes to his side as two other students, a boy and a girl drop down beside the prone form. "Harry?!" The three call as one. 

The girl looks stricken, "He’s never had a vision during the day before."

The boy on the floor cries out once more and stops moving. "The attack is over. For now. She will be back," CC narrates as the Ravenclaw slips out the door. "In fact these attacks were minor. Some others are far worse." The classroom fades into the Gryffindor common room. "Even here in the Gryffindor common room they are not safe. Observe."

Sirius is sitting in a chair with a length of rope across his lap.

The Ravenclaw slips in the portrait hole. Sirius gets up on a table and secures the rope to a rafter. He bends down and places two letters on the table. He straightens up, ties a noose, puts it around his neck and steps off the table. He hangs there awhile as the Ravenclaw watches. She seems to listen to some unheard voice for a moment and makes a disappointed face. She writes frantically and a red-headed girl with striking green eyes enters the common room. She sees Sirius, grasps in horror and cuts him down.

"We do not know what saved him but it is clear the Ravenclaw was intent to let him kill himself."

The camera finds CC again, she's near tears, "On behalf of the network I’d like to apologize for the last segment, we do not mean to upset anyone, simply to show the danger involved." The camera man hands her a tissue and after she wipes her eyes she looks at the camera again, "We take you to one last attack..." The image fades into the dorm room upstairs. Standing near the doorway is Sirius, Remus stands a few feet away with hurt as bright as red flames in his eyes. The Ravenclaw stands to the left, writing intently. Remus seems near tears as he speaks, "You lied to me. You lied, and you snuck around, and...and I can't... If you've done it once, how can I know you won't do it again?"

A panic comes over Sirius, "I won’t. Remus, you have to trust me..."

"I can't." Remus shook his head. "I love you, Sirius. I'll love you for the rest of our lives. But I can't trust you anymore." Remus turned his back to his lover, lowering his head, averting Sirius' eyes. "It's over, Sirius."

There's a sniffle and the disembodied voice of CC drifts over the scene, "Note the pity in the Ravenclaw’s expression. She knows she’s evil."

The scene changes again and CC is sitting behind an oak desk, "The legal department has come to an agreement with representatives of the Ravenclaw featured in tonight's episode. So as not to be slanderous we will now show how she atones for her attacks. The first two are too difficult to explain but we here at When Ravenclaws Attack suggest you view her posted works for the answers."

The scene fades as CC sets the next bit up, "To view how she makes up for the attempted, and almost acomplished, suicide of Sirius Black we must visit the hospital wing."

Sirius lies prone in a bed, a deep purple bruise about his neck. Remus sits beside him holding his hand. "We read your letters. Lily found them and gave them to James and I," He says before turning the hand over to kiss the palm. "We forgive you." With this he kisses Sirius' wrist, just over the pulse point. "We love you." He leans closer, staring into Sirius' eyes and whispers "I love you." He leans down to kiss Sirius. Sirius stares up at him, not even kissing him back.

Remus pulls away with a sigh. "You know, that's usually a lot more fun if the two people do it at the same time."

CC appears, smiling brightly, "Needless to say the boys... work things out." The scene behind her goes black. "The mending of their break up also came in this room."

The lights rise again, this time Sirius is hugging James Potter. Remus is standing a bit away from them. He calls out in indignation, "Oi. I'm in the room, you know."

Sirius looks up and smiles, "Yes, I noticed," he holds one arm out, "C'mere."

Remus strides across the room without hesitation and buries his face in Sirius' neck, sighing as the arm slips around his waist. "Hi," he whispers softly. "I'm sorry. So sorry. I shouldn't have...I'm so sorry."

"Ssh. I know," Sirius whispers.

The scene fades again and CC and the Ravenclaw stroll into the picture. "And there you have it, When Ravenclaws Attack. This is CC Ennis saying goodnight and happy slashing on behalf of the network, and our quasi-evil Ravenclaw friend."


End file.
